Booored

I want to go to a show *sulk*. You know I am a really good horse at shows. I can’t tolerate warm ups much. All the riff raff around me, cutting my line up to a fence, getting to close to one’s flanks. Such a pointless waste of time. I am primed and reeeeeeeady to perform, get me in that ring!!!!! I find I am able to suffer through them better now I am older. It’s part of the perfect horse package to behave in the warm up I have learnt. I have also learnt that quite a few humans hang around the warm up and so it is a good showcase for my amazingness. I tend to ignore the riff raff now, arch my neck and throw out my feet. The real star is here now people.

I quite enjoy waiting ringside. I watch a few of the nobodys go round and learn the course. That is quite important as my human is not very good at remembering courses. She needs a bit of babysitting in the ring. I know when she is nervous because she finally shuts up and holds my reins with one hand and chews her gloves with the other. I stand and watch and she chews.

Once in the ring, the world is my stage. Nothing can stop me!!!! I know where the first fence is (obvs) and the jumps are so tiny the rest is merely a sequence of one amazing move from me after another. I love jump off’s the best. My human says I am made for them! It’s because I am so blindingly fast and I just love flying!!!! Sometimes I stick a buck into express my happiness. That makes my human cross because apparently while my ‘ginger arse is in the air I am loosing seconds’, Pah! I make it up on the next turn. My human always whispers in my ear before we go in ‘Be brave, pick up your feet’. Look do I tell you to suck eggs? See these feet? They ain’t going anywhere near those poles. This boys a winner, don’t worry mum *I* won’t let you down.

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Happy New Year!

Another new year, another carrot to celebrate. Do you know that I am officially 11? Officially meaning I am 10 still really but according to my stud book ‘Wether Bee’s’ I am 11. I mean how would you humans like it if you lost 6 months of your life every year? I know my human would be very upset if she got a year older every 6 months BEFORE her birthday. Yet apparently there is nothing we can do about it.

The only good thing about it, the *only* good thing is that I get 2 birthdays a year! Now no chap can complain about two Birthdays. That is two new pressies every year plus all of the other ‘I like you so I bought you something new’ pressies. The bad thing about it, is being older before your time. It doesn’t matter so much nowadays but I did resent being Three and expected to behave like a Three year old when really I was Two still….. Of course I was going to come 5th in my first race….. I was TWO people…. TWO!!!!! You know I led the field untill the end and then I just could not carry on and I was overtaken, by horses that probably were actually closer to turning Three.

You might smile, I am not in denial, I am bloody (excuse my french) fast. It’s just in horse years a few months can make a big difference to development. Don’t forget people, in your passport it might say your horse is Three or Four or whatever but are they really? Please bear that in mind. It took my human quite a while to strengthen me up after I was raced at Two and I am one of the lucky ones, I only raced once….

 

Respect!

Humph! Things were going so well up until this week. I had full control of my human and apart from Alice stopping my bucket feed I really felt like I had life worked out in a way that pleased me.

It all went wrong during my dancing lesson. I had been doing really well, moving my feet and tossing my mane beautifully. Then my dancing teacher started to teach us some more complicated moves. That is Ok I thought, I have feet that twinkle like diamonds, Michael Flatley has nothing on these tootsies. It was the swaying right that I found hard. What move AND bend, Eugh. Hard. I decided as per my dropping human thread that maybe Alice needed a little reminder as to how amazing I was just as I am.

To be fair I sometimes forget how bloody powerful I am … Whoosh, it scares me sometimes! Anyway it was only meant to be a *tiny* leap. A ‘oi, stop making me work so hard’ leap. As I soared through the air moving at the speed of light, that’s why they call me Mr Fahrenheit, I realised that I was in danger of loosing my human. Whoopsie! I stopped of course, before I dropped my human but it was still too late :(. Alice was cross and the dancing teacher insisted she ride me. She’s a really tall mean human.

After my dancing lesson is where it all unraveled. I couldn’t help but over hear Alice talking. ‘He’s behind my leg, he has no respect. He is like it on the ground as well, I have to drag him to the field, he’s so lazy.’ HUH!!! Lazy?! She obviously did not see me galloping round the field the other day, I was like lightning! ‘We need to go back to basics’ she said… ‘He needs a reminder’. A reminder?! A reminder of what. Doh I am perfect.

I soon found out what Basics and Reminding meant. It involved a lot of going backwards and sideways and forwards at random intervals. It also involved a rope being thrown at me. Totally bizarre. I think it was some kind of test. Once I had gotten over watching Alice throw the rope out of the corner of my eye and thinking how crazy she was I decided to use the opportunity for a snooze. It turned out that was the right response and I passed the test. Ha!

Then we went out down the road. Fab, usually my best spooking spots are when we leave home. I have some really great ones! There was a particularly brilliant one but hey hang on, what? Bend my head? Ok. Oh move my shoulder? Yes well I am pretty good at that. Oh… where’s my spooking spot? I missed it. Actually sod the spooking I must look pretty damn awesome right now, my neck is huge and I know it looks fabulous when I arch it. I’m pretty special at going sideways when Alice asks, left and right, left and right. Poncy dressage horse watching me over next doors fence you have nothing on me! Look I am FABULOUS. The sun is catching me perfectly. Human workers in the field? Yes you can watch me sashay past. The worlds the stage and this is my moment clip clop clip clop. Ooooh we are home already? I was enjoying that!

Alice is grinning, apparently it’s the first time I haven’t spooked out hacking for a while. Had I really gotten that bad? I got lot’s of (quite frankly) deserved adoration and bingo the world is golden again.

Respect, sure. I can do that!

Dropping Humans

Hey Fans,
So after my last post I had quite a few questions from my fellow barn mates on the subject of dropping your human. I will try to cover those questions in this post.

Firstly ‘dropping’ your human suggests an accidental parting of ways… This can happen, especially if you have not yet determined the riding ability of your human. Therefore the first thing to do is to set a couple of tests for your human to find out if they are a sticker or a flopper.
I suggest starting with a little spook and progressing to expressing yourself in anyway you like (my favourite is the leap-buck). Now the key is to feel for when they are about to lose contact with the saddle and then stop and pretend nothing happened. This is a skill I admit and one you learn with age. When a young gangster I did misread my humans and accidentally drop them when I didn’t really want to… now I am an expert at stopping and catching my human before we part ways.

Now before we go any further.. it is quite fun to keep your humans on their toes with some spooks or whatever it is they can handle but it is not cool to drop your human on purpose…. We are superior to our humans and it is our job to rise above what we may think and look after them. Let me reiterate.. Good horses do not drop their humans on purpose. Otherwise what is the point in having one.

There is only one excuse to drop your
human on purpose and that is pain. Humans despite their large brains in their tiny heads are stupid when it comes to realising when we are in pain. We can shout at them all day and if you are unlucky to own a particularly deaf human they won’t hear. In this case I give full permission to do whatever is necessary to drop them and aim to get them to land on their head as this is what makes their ears work. You may have to only do it once or you may have to do it frequently before they realise. This depends on how good you are normally at not dropping them, their ability to stick and not flop and lastly your ability to get them on their heads (some have an uncanny ability to land on their feet).

That is all my fellow beautiful ones. Any more questions and I will be under my oak tree today.

Jae xoxo

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Managing Expectations

Hello fellow Equids!

This is a post for my kind, so those of you unfortunate enough to only have two legs please come back another day :).

I thought I should take some time out of my morning sunbathing to tell you something I have learnt about humans… Yesterday Alice came to ride me and she was all moaning and stuff about how she was jealous of the fact I get to do what I want all day. Apparently I have life ‘easy’ sleeping and eating. Of course she doesn’t know what really goes on in my field with the late night parties, the stress looking out for dangers, the constant grazing yadda yadda but that’s for another day.

So there she was all ‘waaaah’ about her life with looking after BillyNo, MyBabyRobbie and WilliamYouAreDoingItWrong and how tiiiiired she was. As a been round the world very mature 10 year old I knew exactly how to handle the situation. I touched her with my nose, blew gently on her, closed my eyes and rested my head on her. This is important body language I have picked up from humans and it lets them know you care. Very important. Show love to your human when they need it, they are VERY needy and they seek out love CONSTANTLY.

I also know that when Alice is in this mood it is ultra important to be perfect. I have read her wrong on occasion and not been perfect on these days and I am telling you… She becomes a handful.

She decided she wasn’t in the mood for dancing or flying so I took her for a walk and a trot round the fields. I made sure I was energetic enough so she didn’t have to kick me and calm enough so she could relax. I did spy some cactus plants out of place and a fence post that stuck out a bit and I stored them up in my memory as good spooking spots for next time. Which brings me on to lesson number two. It is not good to be perfect all the time. If you are perfect all the time, humans start to expect perfection every day and then when you are not, they completely melt down. Also how can they think you are perfect if some days you are not?! See.. You have to manage their expectations.

Due to my knowledge in Human Behaviour and management of Homo Sapiens, yesterday I cheered Alice up immensely. I let her know she was my human and that I care, she thinks I am perfect and I got an extra treat because of it :). Now tomorrow I have decided to have a bit of fun with my spooking spots (not enough to drop her but I will talk about the subject of dropping your human on another post) but enough fun to keep her on her toes and remind her that if it wasn’t for me she would be walking.

There, a little golden snippet for you lot out there who might be struggling with your humans. If any more advice is needed I am a registered Human behaviorist so just drop me a line.

Bye my fellow care takers xo

Hanger

Yo,

So the most awful thing has happened. The other day I’m standing in all my glory in the cross ties, behaving like any self respecting horse should behave i.e perfectly when Alice stops petting me and starts staring at me. Like for ages staring. To be honest it was starting to creep me about a bit, I mean c’mon, I know I’m gorgeous and all that but close your mouth love. Then she announces in the most insensitive way ‘you’re too FAT’. What???? I’m not fat I am muscled like a proper beast. Then she says ‘No more food for you’. WHAT??? I will STARVE!!!! Noisily slurping down my feed is the best part of the day? What shall I do with myself? How, what, noooooooooo. ‘I’m not feeding a fat horse she smugly says’. Humph! Silly twiglet human. What she doesn’t understand is now I am having to eat even more grass than I was before. It’s hard, really hard surviving on one measly carrot treat a day :(.

What else has happened apart from denying a horse his right to a bucket feed. Oh yeah I carried Alice over a tiny jump. She’s all excited as she hasn’t been jumping in a year because of eating and spitting out My Baby Robbie. Bless her! I couldn’t be bothered, it was a bit hot and I was hungry so I decided to go really slowly (and I am not LAZY, thank you mean human who teaches us dancing) which was probably a good thing as she was all squeaky when I lifted my knees and got my jam on.

That’s it dudes. The dancing instructor is coming tomorrow, I am hoping to make it on to Dancing with the Stars so I have an extremely busy day topping up my energy levels with grass, hay and sleeping.

Ciao

From me (Jae)

Hello humans.

This is Jae. My human is rubbish and hasn’t even looked at this page so I decided I would update it for her. Actually I didn’t decide, she asked… Umm well she told me. I am a gelding afer all!

Sooo I will tell you about me. I am tall, very tall. 16.1hh on my tip toes. Which is taller than all the other horses. It’s a great height I think and no I don’t have an issue with my height because I was born nice and tall :).

I have a beautiful coat, my human tells me its shines like the sun. I am a ray of sunshine! I also have a really good bouncy trot. I could bounce you off, seriously. My human finds me hard to sit to when I really get going, yeeeeeah bounce bounce bounce.

I am the proud if not slightly weary owner of 4 humans. My main human ‘Alice’ (what a strange name?? A-Lice odd). Shes the one who I have to look after the most, she’s extremely high maintenance *sigh* but she’s alright y’know. The second one I don’t see much he’s called ‘William You Are Doing It Wrong’, very long name, I think he was a racing human back in the day. He pays the bills, so obviously I don’t want to sell him.

The third one is called ‘Billy No’. Thank goodness I don’t see this one much either. Last time I saw him he stuck a stick up my nostril.

The fourth one is called ‘My Baby Robbie’ and he is the smallest human I have ever seen! He’s very noisy, especially when I sneeze on him by accident.

That’s my crew! I am SO busy today. I have to recover from a very hard dressage session yesterday where we practiced halts… and I’m really hungry so I need to spend a very long time eating, do hard.

Chill dudes, I’ll be back to entertain soon.

Love ‘Let Me Entertain You’ Jae. Hum Di Dum Dum entertain youuuuuu……